As we come up on Mother's Day and my birthday I think about my two mothers: the one that gave birth and the one that gave life. Unfortunately both are deceased so I feel I have no one to celebrate with. But I do have a lot to celebrate. I relish in the fact that I was given life and that in itself is enough to throw a party!
I grieve for the mother I never got to know. She died almost three years before I was able to find her. Fortunately, she gave me four biological siblings and I pray one day I will have a relationship with them. I grieve for my birth mom for all of my birthdays..she had to feel a sense of loss every year on the day of my birth. On Mother's Day while she was bombarded with handwritten cards and expressions of love she was still sad because there was one homemade Mother's Day card she never got to receive; mine. I grieve for her because someone told her it was better to give me up for adoption than to keep me and suffer the consequences of having a mix raced child.
I celebrate her because she did give me up for adoption and kept me from suffering the consequences of being a mix race child. I celebrate her for having a loving relationship with my sisters and brothers.
I'm angry with her because of all of the attempts made by her or someone close to her who made the decision to keep the details of my birth a secret. Can you imagine what it's like to be a secret? Devastating. I'm angry because she left no details about my father. Who is he? Where is he? Is he deceased as well? Was I born out of love? Finding her brings about so many questions.
I celebrate my adoptive mother for giving me the best life she could. She gave me the chance at having both a mother and a father. She received my handwritten Mother's Day cards, the handkerchiefs, scarves and other trinkets I gave her each year for Mother's Day. I celebrate her because she did her best to allow us to have some semblance of a mother-daughter relationship. I celebrate her because she shaped me into the woman I am today.
I'm angry with her because she didn't make the information she had about my adoption available to me. I don't know how much she knew but I've always thought she knew more than she gave. I'm angry with her because she didn't tell me I was of mixed race. She too is dead leaving me with no mother at all to celebrate Mother's Day with.
I pray my own children will celebrate me on Mother's Day. Have I been the mother I should have been to them? Did I help shape them into the women and men they are today? When I die and leave this earth will my children have good things to say about me or will they be saddened about how I treated them?
Mother's Day and my birthday both leave so many questions, so many unknowns. But I will celebrate Mother's Day anyway. I will throw my own birthday party. I will buy my own cake and blow out candles. I will celebrate life, such as it is...it is still my life.
Have a great green day!