Monday, May 5, 2014

MY TWO MOTHERS

As we come up on Mother's Day and my birthday I think about my two mothers: the one that gave birth and the one that gave life. Unfortunately both are deceased so I feel I have no one to celebrate with. But I do have a lot to celebrate. I relish in the fact that I was given life and that in itself is enough to throw a party!

I grieve for the mother I never got to know. She died almost three years before I was able to find her. Fortunately, she gave me four biological siblings and I pray one day I will have a relationship with them. I grieve for my birth mom for all of my birthdays..she had to feel a sense of loss every year on the day of my birth. On Mother's Day while she was bombarded with handwritten cards and expressions of love she was still sad because there was one homemade Mother's Day card she never got to receive; mine. I grieve for her because someone told her it was better to give me up for adoption than to keep me and suffer the consequences of having a mix raced child.

I celebrate her because she did give me up for adoption and kept me from suffering the consequences of being a mix race child. I celebrate her for having a loving relationship with my sisters and brothers.

I'm angry with her because of all of the attempts made by her or someone close to her who made the decision to keep the details of my birth a secret. Can you imagine what it's like to be a secret? Devastating. I'm angry because she left no details about my father. Who is he? Where is he? Is he deceased as well? Was I born out of love? Finding her brings about so many questions.

I celebrate my adoptive mother for giving me the best life she could. She gave me the chance at having both a mother and a father. She received my handwritten Mother's Day cards, the handkerchiefs, scarves and other trinkets I gave her each year for Mother's Day. I celebrate her because she did her best to allow us to have some semblance of a mother-daughter relationship. I celebrate her because she shaped me into the woman I am today.

I'm angry with her because she didn't make the information she had about my adoption available to me. I don't know how much she knew but I've always thought she knew more than she gave. I'm angry with her because she didn't tell me I was of mixed race. She too is dead leaving me with no mother at all to celebrate Mother's Day with.

I pray my own children will celebrate me on Mother's Day. Have I been the mother I should have been to them? Did I help shape them into the women and men they are today? When I die and leave this earth will my children have good things to say about me or will they be saddened about how I treated them?

Mother's Day and my birthday both leave so many questions, so many unknowns. But I will celebrate Mother's Day anyway. I will throw my own birthday party. I will buy my own cake and blow out candles. I will celebrate life, such as it is...it is still my life.

Have a great green day!

Rosa

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

I STILL SEE ME

It was 2 weeks ago this afternoon when I received results that would turn my life as I knew it upside down. Not in a bad way but the revelation was made that I wasn't who I thought I was. Or even what I thought I was.

Imagine growing up in an African American family and finding out later that you were bi-racial. The racial make-up isn't important but the fact is that I never got the opportunity to embrace the 'other' side of myself is heartbreaking.

I have always been concerned about mixed children not knowing their 'other' side and have wanted to speak up about it. That could've been a platform for me to become vocal about had I known about myself.

If you have kids that share two or more ethnicities, I implore you to explain about both (or more) sides of themselves: read books, visit museums, take them around people from the other race. Parents have to do more to make their children feel comfortable. Believe you me, if the parents don't explain about the other race, outsiders surely will. People are so opinionated.

I'm off of my soapbox on this subject for now...but I'm sure I'll speak up again.

Have a great green day!

Rosa


Sunday, March 30, 2014

FACE IN THE MIRROR

Years and years ago when I thought my lot in life was to become an author who's work would be on every bestseller list available, I wrote a manuscript titled MIRRORED MIRAGE. The story was about a successful woman who had never seen herself in the mirror because she was adopted and had no point of reference. It was based on the fact that when I looked in the mirror I couldn't see me. Because I was adopted and knew nothing about my biological family, I didn't know who I was supposed to look like. Even looking at my own children didn't make it easier to see myself.

For years I heard rumors about a family in my hometown that could be my birth family. But no one would or could substantiate it. I found a person in that family and one day decided to ask her if she would be willing to take a DNA test to clear up the rumors. If the test came back negative I could put the entire issue of that family to rest. To my surprise, she agreed. She was certain the test would come back negative.

Lo and behold this week I received the results and the test proved that we were indeed biological siblings. She was floored, I was floored. But the test is what it is and neither of us can change the fact so its something we have to accept. I am now fortunate enough to have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. Unfortunately, my birth mom died a couple years ago.

I didn't know if anything would be different with the new found knowledge, yet I knew nothing would be the same. What I hadn't counted on was being able to look in the mirror and finally see myself.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

PUZZLE PIECED

"There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle." Deepak Chopra



I've always been fascinated by puzzles; finished puzzles. Puzzles became the symbol for my life while I was trying to find my birth family. For 47 years I have searched and searched and searched to no avail. People in the town where I grew up claimed to have sudden amnesia. My adoptive parents died holding on to whatever information they knew. The information on my adoption records had been faked to lead me in the wrong direction. Everything possible was done to keep me from finding my biological family.

Surely God could hear my cries and my petitions to find out who I was. Why wouldn't He answer me? What was He waiting for? When would the time be right? Why was I being made to suffer? Was He punishing me for some misdeeds in my past? The questions were never ending.

Several years ago, I wrote a couple short stories based loosely on my life as an adoptee. Of course, I wrote the books as fictions so I could embellish events. I just knew I was going to become a bestselling author, become rich and famous and my family's lives would be changed for the better for generations to come. Well that didn't happen and again I questioned God. Why did You give me the thoughts I put into the books only to have them sit on my shelf and the shelves of the few people who supported me. 

But God's timing is not my timing and whatever He chooses to do is done in a certain order. A friend of mine read my books early last year or late 2012 and when she finished reading she asked me who was I talking about. I told her 'no one in particular yet everyone, somebody, and anybody. When I told her the stories had elements of my life she said "We are going to find your birth mother." I thought to myself 'yeah, yeah, yeah' how many times have I heard that before? I thought about the tens of thousands of dollars I spent over the years searching only to come up short every time.

She called me from time to time with data she found based on a few things I heard through the years. I took notes and those notes ended up on my desk where things seem to disappear in the clutter (one day I'm going to clean out my desk). I listened politely as she gave me detail after detail about who she thought was my family. I told her my birth mother had been 19 years of age when I was born and she perused the internet until she found someone of that age, in the family I heard I was born into.

Fast forward to just recently. I contacted one of the family members and asked if they would be willing to do a DNA test. Against her family's wishes she agreed. We took the test and I can now honestly tell you what 'waiting to exhale' really feels like.

The results came back this week and I was literally knocked off of my feet when the test showed that she and I were biological siblings! I didn't know how she would accept the news and gladly I haven't been rejected yet.

So back to the puzzle. Instead of feeling like a random piece excluded from the other puzzle pieces that looked like the picture on the front of the box, I now feel like the puzzle has finally been pieced together. It may not be all rosy from here on out but at least I know I finally fit.




Tuesday, March 11, 2014

KEYS

In a recent sermon, my Pastor talked about being outside the church but had left the keys to open the door in a different location. So he was at a place he was authorized to be in but couldn't gain entrance. Makes you think doesn't it? My new mantra is "Entrance denied to a place I'm authorized to be in is no longer acceptable to me, especially when I have the 'key' (the bible) to get in." Everything we need to live an abundant prosperous life here on earth is by studying God's word. 

Have a good green day!

Rosa

Monday, March 10, 2014

WOMEN'S MINISTRY




I told you how much I loved the Olympics right? Right! I'm so sad it's over. However, I did enjoy watching the opening ceremony for the paraolympics. Missing the Olympics made me come up with an idea! Our women's ministry (Wings of Faith) at church is hosting the Rallying For Christ Olympics! We will have several 'get to know you' games and the participants will earn points. The woman with the most points will be our gold medal winner. We will also have silver and bronze medal winners. We have additional prizes that will given throughout the event. How clever is that? What types of activities has your women's group done lately? Please share!

Speaking of church, my husband and I completed our new members orientation last night! We will be given a certificate of completion soon. It was the first time in all of my years that any explanation about church has been given. I'm totally enlightened and excited to belong to a church where the Pastor actually cares enough to explain; so many churches don't. Did your church have a new members orientation?


Thursday, February 20, 2014

JUNKIE

I am an Olympic junkie. There I said it...I finally admitted it. I love both the Summer and Winter games; it doesn't matter. I love seeing people who have trained so hard to do whatever sport they participate in finally get to compete at on the biggest stage ever. It has to be an amazing feeling to show off what you do well in front of millions.

I am an Olympic opening ceremony junkie. There I said it...I finally admitted it. All of them are fabulous but my top 2 are from the 2008 in Beijing and the 2014 in Sochi. Absolutely loved them. In fact I want a 55" or larger television by the time the next Olympics roll around.

Now that I've admitted my addiction, I'm off to watch...yup you guessed it...the Olympics! Congratulations to all of the United States medalists and good luck to the athletes yet to compete!

Have a great green day!