THIS IS ME - FINALLY

It has taken me years to discover who I really am and this is what I've come up with.

I'm not an actress, although I have been performing in a unscripted play since I was five days old. Adoption, secrets and lies created the impersonator I've become. I'm not a singer but my heart cries out in perfect harmony with the chorus of adoptees who choose to moan and hum because words cannot always express the thoughts we share.

I am however, a Conceptualist. I think in the abstract. I create ideas based upon my experiences and the struggles of those around me. I see things as ideational structures that can be made into realizations and do what I can to bring those things to light. That's who I am - finally.

I’ll be the first one to admit I love devotionals. They are the short and sweet way of reading someone else’s interpretation of what God’s says. But do devotionals take us away from actually reading the bible? The bible tells us in 2 Timothy 2:15 King James Version (KJV)  Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 

Not being a bible scholar by any stretch of the imagination, I’ve often wondered how to actually sit down and read and study the bible. While attending a leadership class recently, the instructor put it quite succinctly; with pen, paper, a dictionary, a couple versions of the bible and start reading word for word.

The thing I like about devotionals is that the good ones will lead you to a scripture or two you can read that go along with what’s being discussed. That’s a good start for those of us who don’t know where to start reading the bible. But as we grow in God we should certainly be growing in His word…remember - studying to show ourselves approved.

Devotionals may be the only spiritual word some people may read during the course of the day so I don’t knock them at all just like we may be the only ‘bible’ some people may 'read' during the course of their day. If someone were to ask us about God would we be able to accurately tell them about God’s word or only about what He’s done for us? Telling them that is good but sometimes its not enough.  Proverbs 15:23 tells us ‘A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good  is it! So continue reading the devotionals but let's pick up those dusty bibles first and start reading God's word. Continue to be blessed and more importantly be a blessing. 

I Come To The Garden Alone

 ‘I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses, and the voice I hear falling on my ear, the son of God discloses. And He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own and the joy we share as we tarry there none other has ever known.’

These words were written by C. Austin Miles (1868-1946) a pharmacist in a ‘cold, dreary and leaky basement in New Jersey that didn’t even have a window to have a view of a garden according to his great-granddaughter. Can you imagine the depths of despair that brought him to seek God so early that dark dreary morning? Or the joy of knowing a God he could go to anytime he needed to.  Perhaps as a pharmacist he was working on a chemical equation to eventually help millions of people be saved from a catastrophic illness and he wanted to get the formula just right. Maybe there was something going on in his personal life and God was the only one he could turn to that early to talk to.  It could have been he just wanted to thank God for all of the good things he had been blessed with and the dark, dreary basement was the only place he could be alone with his thoughts.

When do I go to my garden? Do I go every day as I should?  Or do I only go to my garden when something is concerning me and I need God’s help? Do I use my metaphorical garden like Santa Claus’ lap at Christmas time hoping God will bring me what I want because I’ve been a good girl long enough to get what I want. Of course God would accept my visit with open arms even if that was the only time I came to visit but He wants me to visit all of the time. He enjoys my company. He loves communing with me. He loves knowing I love being with Him not just when things are bad but when times are good. And when you look at it times are good more often than not.

And while I try to spend as much time as possible acknowledging God’s presence it’s in those precious wee hours of the morning I can spend more time telling Him how much I love Him. I can thank Him for all He’s done. I can ask for all I need. I can give Him all of my cares. I can lay down all of my burdens. I can repent of all of my sins. I can talk about anything I want. It is in my garden I gain my strength and I gather my courage for my day.

Imagine being outside looking at the huge expanse of space God created for us; at that time right before the moon disappears and the sun arises, when you see that single leaf on the tree sway with the slightest breeze that’s when you know God is arranging things for your new day and putting your new mercies in place… isn’t that amazing! Take time to visit your garden. 

Proverbs 8:17 King James Version (KJV)

¹⁷ I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.

also visit www.rosaferguson.com

ACTIVE VS SEDENTARY

For years I have lead a sedentary life...and when I tell you it's been years, literally it's been years, lat least the last 10 years.. terrible I know. I would peruse the internet and social media sites from early morning until time to go to bed. The only breaks would be to use the restroom or to eat. My goal and promise to myself is to become more active. I downloaded the Pacer app on my Smartphone to track the steps I take and so far I'm pretty pleased with the progress I'm making in being more active. Then of course, as fate would have it the days I walk the most I forget to grab my phone. How disappointing to know I didn't log all of my steps. I'd probably be close to the suggested 10,000 steps if I remembered to carry my phone everywhere I go.

So in my quest to be more active I have taken on some projects I may not have considered in the past; I am now the Chairperson of the women's ministry at our church. I am now the Editor-in-Chief of our church's newsletter and I'm still working on several writing projects. My writing keeps me seated in position for a great deal of time so I'm trying to get the activity wherever else I can get it.

Recently my doctor told me I needed to lose at least 50 pounds and activity is the only way I know how (dieting doesn't seem to work for me). Okay so now I've been writing this for the last twenty minutes - I'm losing time to get my activity in!!!

See you in a few days..

Rosa

WELCOME 2015

It seems like 2014 just arrived and here we are almost in 2015.. where did the time go? Some people will be talking about New Year's resolutions. I personally don't make any but I do have some plans in place for the new year. The first thing I plan to do is to quit procrastinating. I have too many incomplete projects to continue allowing myself to get distracted by social media and television. It's a known fact that books don't write themselves!

So what are your plans for the new year? What are you going to do differently or start doing?

My motto for the new year is I WILL STRIVE TO THRIVE IN 2-0-1-5!

"Remember to pray"  

MY TWO MOTHERS

As we come up on Mother's Day and my birthday I think about my two mothers: the one that gave birth and the one that gave life. Unfortunately both are deceased so I feel I have no one to celebrate with. But I do have a lot to celebrate. I relish in the fact that I was given life and that in itself is enough to throw a party!

I grieve for the mother I never got to know. She died almost three years before I was able to find her. Fortunately, she gave me four biological siblings and I pray one day I will have a relationship with them. I grieve for my birth mom for all of my birthdays..she had to feel a sense of loss every year on the day of my birth. On Mother's Day while she was bombarded with handwritten cards and expressions of love she was still sad because there was one homemade Mother's Day card she never got to receive; mine. I grieve for her because someone told her it was better to give me up for adoption than to keep me and suffer the consequences of having a mix raced child.

I celebrate her because she did give me up for adoption and kept me from suffering the consequences of being a mix race child. I celebrate her for having a loving relationship with my sisters and brothers.

I'm angry with her because of all of the attempts made by her or someone close to her who made the decision to keep the details of my birth a secret. Can you imagine what it's like to be a secret? Devastating. I'm angry because she left no details about my father. Who is he? Where is he? Is he deceased as well? Was I born out of love? Finding her brings about so many questions.

I celebrate my adoptive mother for giving me the best life she could. She gave me the chance at having both a mother and a father. She received my handwritten Mother's Day cards, the handkerchiefs, scarves and other trinkets I gave her each year for Mother's Day. I celebrate her because she did her best to allow us to have some semblance of a mother-daughter relationship. I celebrate her because she shaped me into the woman I am today.

I'm angry with her because she didn't make the information she had about my adoption available to me. I don't know how much she knew but I've always thought she knew more than she gave. I'm angry with her because she didn't tell me I was of mixed race. She too is dead leaving me with no mother at all to celebrate Mother's Day with.

I pray my own children will celebrate me on Mother's Day. Have I been the mother I should have been to them? Did I help shape them into the women and men they are today? When I die and leave this earth will my children have good things to say about me or will they be saddened about how I treated them?

Mother's Day and my birthday both leave so many questions, so many unknowns. But I will celebrate Mother's Day anyway. I will throw my own birthday party. I will buy my own cake and blow out candles. I will celebrate life, such as it is...it is still my life.

Have a great green day!

Rosa

I STILL SEE ME

It was 2 weeks ago this afternoon when I received results that would turn my life as I knew it upside down. Not in a bad way but the revelation was made that I wasn't who I thought I was. Or even what I thought I was.

Imagine growing up in an African American family and finding out later that you were bi-racial. The racial make-up isn't important but the fact is that I never got the opportunity to embrace the 'other' side of myself is heartbreaking.

I have always been concerned about mixed children not knowing their 'other' side and have wanted to speak up about it. That could've been a platform for me to become vocal about had I known about myself.

If you have kids that share two or more ethnicities, I implore you to explain about both (or more) sides of themselves: read books, visit museums, take them around people from the other race. Parents have to do more to make their children feel comfortable. Believe you me, if the parents don't explain about the other race, outsiders surely will. People are so opinionated.

I'm off of my soapbox on this subject for now...but I'm sure I'll speak up again.

Have a great green day!

Rosa